SALM TEAM 
No matter how much we prepare for birth and postpartum, sometimes things take an unexpected turn. This topic came up in our most recent Vital Baby Ask the Midwife live session, where a mom posed a question about how to deal with disappointment when their births didn’t go as planned. It’s completely natural to envision an ideal birth and smooth transition into parenthood, and in fact, having a plan can be incredibly helpful. Mapping out your birth plan and specifying your preferences allows you to think through your options and articulate your wishes clearly. However, birth and postpartum can still be unpredictable. The good news? Being mentally and emotionally prepared for possible changes can make a big difference in how you navigate them.
Birth Plans vs. Birth Reality
Let’s talk about birth plans. They’re a fantastic tool to help you think through your options and communicate your preferences with your healthcare team. If you have a plan and things change, your birth team can still closely align with your preferences. For example, if you have specified that you would like to do skin-to-skin immediately after birth, this can still be done even if you have an emergency C-section, as long as your baby’s condition is stable. But here’s the thing—birth doesn’t always follow the script we set for it. And that’s okay. Sometimes, your baby (or your body) has a different plan.
Common Birth Plan Changes
- Inductions and Unplanned C-Sections: Maybe you were hoping for spontaneous labour, but for medical reasons, an induction becomes necessary. Or perhaps labour isn’t progressing as expected, and a C-section is the safest route. It’s completely normal to feel disappointed, but remember—the ultimate goal is a healthy baby and a healthy parent.
- Pain Management Changes: You might go into labour thinking, “I’m going to do this without an epidural,” but find that pain relief helps you cope better. On the other hand, maybe you wanted an epidural, but labour progressed too quickly for one. Flexibility is key.
- Assisted Deliveries: Sometimes, forceps, vacuum extraction, or episiotomies are needed to ensure a safe delivery. These interventions can feel sudden, but they’re often necessary to keep both you and your baby safe.
Postpartum: The “Fourth Trimester” and Its Surprises
The postpartum period—often called the fourth trimester—comes with its own set of surprises. No matter how much you read up on postpartum recovery, nothing quite prepares you for the reality of those first few weeks.
Physical Recovery
Giving birth is no small feat, and your body needs time to heal. Whether you had a vaginal birth or a C-section, recovery can take longer than expected. You might experience heavy bleeding, perineal discomfort, or unexpected complications like infections. It’s important to be patient with yourself and prioritize rest when you can (easier said than done, we know!).
Breastfeeding Isn’t Always Easy
Breastfeeding can be a beautiful bonding experience filled with nutritional and health benefits for the baby, but it doesn’t always come naturally. Latching issues, low milk supply, oversupply, or painful nipples can make it incredibly frustrating. Investing in a breastfeeding support kit and natural galactagogues can help, and if you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out to a lactation consultant or midwife. Support makes all the difference.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Postpartum emotions are real. One moment, you’re overwhelmed with love, and the next, you’re crying over spilled milk (literally). Hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and the enormity of new parenthood can take a toll. It’s important to check in with yourself and talk to someone if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Postpartum depression and anxiety are more common than many people realize. If you find yourself struggling, please reach out to a healthcare provider. You are not alone, and support is available.
Newborn Health Concerns
It’s completely normal to worry about your baby. Some babies need extra medical attention, whether it’s jaundice, trouble latching, or time in the NICU. These challenges can be emotionally draining, but remember—you’re doing an incredible job, and your baby is lucky to have you.
Partner and Family Support: The Unsung Heroes
Your birth team, partner, and family play a huge role in how you cope with unexpected changes. Having a strong support system can make the difference between feeling overwhelmed and feeling empowered. Here’s how they can help:
Your Partner: Encouraging words, physical support (like helping you change positions during labour), advocating for your wishes when you can’t speak up, and simply holding space for you emotionally.
Your Birth Team: A compassionate and knowledgeable team—Midwives, Obstetricians, doulas—can help guide you through difficult decisions with clarity and reassurance.
Your Family and Friends: Whether it’s bringing meals, watching the baby so you can shower, or just listening without judgment, loved ones can provide crucial postpartum support.
What Makes It Hard to Let Go? The Invisible Medals Moms Award Each Other
Let’s be real—there’s an unspoken pressure in society about birth and postpartum experiences. Moms sometimes wear their birth stories like badges of honour. Natural birth vs. C-section, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, bouncing back quickly vs. taking time to heal—it can feel like an invisible competition. Research has shown that societal expectations significantly impact maternal mental health.
A study published in the Journal of Maternal and Child Health found that mothers who felt pressured to meet unrealistic postpartum recovery standards experienced higher levels of stress and anxiety. Documented experiences from parenting forums and interviews with new mothers highlight how this pressure can lead to feelings of inadequacy. One mother shared in an article for The Atlantic, “I felt like I had failed because I needed an emergency C-section. It took me months to realize that my birth story didn’t define my worth as a mother.”
But here’s the truth: there are no medals. There is no prize for enduring more pain, pushing through exhaustion, or meeting unrealistic societal expectations. Your worth as a parent isn’t determined by how your birth unfolded or how you feed your baby. The best thing you can do is make the choices that work best for you and your baby.
Coping When Things Don’t Go as Planned
So, what can you do when birth and postpartum don’t unfold the way you expected? In our antenatal classes, we encourage participants to attend both the C-section class and the vaginal birth class. That way, you’re prepared for both possibilities, and we help you create a birth plan for each mode of delivery. Being informed about different scenarios can make unexpected changes feel less overwhelming. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Go in with an open mind: Birth plans are wonderful, but flexibility is even better. The most important thing is that you and your baby are safe and healthy.
Lean on your support system: Whether it’s your partner, family, friends, a midwife, or a doula, having people to lean on makes a world of difference.
Give yourself grace: It’s okay to feel disappointed if things didn’t go as you envisioned. Allow yourself to process those emotions without guilt.
Prioritize mental health: Whether it’s talking to a therapist, joining a postpartum support group, or simply sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, taking care of your mental well-being is just as important as your physical recovery. Sometimes, talking to someone who specializes in birth trauma can provide clarity and comfort.
Ditch the pressure: Ignore the societal expectations and comparisons. What matters most is what works for your family.
Celebrate your strength: No matter how your birth unfolded, you brought a new life into the world. That’s an incredible achievement, and you deserve to be proud of yourself.
Birth and postpartum rarely go exactly as planned, but that doesn’t mean your experience isn’t valid, powerful, or beautiful. The key is to approach the journey with flexibility, support, and self-compassion. Every birth story is unique, and every postpartum experience comes with its own challenges and triumphs. Remember a good plan is constantly evolving.
Dj Chilu 
